Processed Foods That Multi Task

Things you can do with chicken dippers:

• eat them (obvious!)
• throw them on the ground for dramatic emphasis during an argument
• hold onto something nearby whilst skating on dippers to create even more emphasis
• dippers can be recycled after being skated on to serve revenge and justice
• recycled dippers can be mixed with unmentionable additives if harsh revenge and justice are required
• recycled dippers can be smooshed into someones face
• cold dippers can be put into someones shoes
• dippers can be discretely concealed in an enemy's trouser pockets
• dippers pelted from above can do some real damage to unwelcome passers by
• dippers in conjunction with a sling shot are very useful
• forget the dippers, just attack the person antagonising you with the fork!!! they'll soon learn!

Any and all ideas for alternative dipper uses are welcomed and encouraged.

Kisses,

Flossie. xxx

The Golden Mole

The Magical Powers of the Golden Mole Include:

* listening to tiny noises with it's tiny ears

* swimming through sand in the dessert

* creating world peace via getting warring friends talking again

* radiating joy

* burrowing for love

* knowing all things about the universe and being generally infinitely wise

* digging fabulous and intricate holes

* maintaining silky soft fur without the aid of any Frederic Fekkai conditioning products

* eliciting cuddles

Sloth Baby

I'm disillusioned, disappointed and generally not impressed with life today. I am Slothless. MK PROMISED me a Sloth Baby some time ago. He keeps telling me it's on it's way but I'm yet to have any evidence of the Slothie's existence. I'm starting to think it's another of his elaborate LIES! I'm currently not speaking to MK (other than to get my Sloth Baby) seeing as he decided to disappear off the face of the earth for three days mid way through a conversation. Most people would feel bad about this but noooooooo, MK has decided it's more appropriate to be mean to me!!!! Can you believe it!? OMG! It's beyond believable! MK, STOP CALLING ME A MOANER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooops, I've digressed. I'm sorry. Back to the matter at hand. I'm Slothless. I have been such a good girl. I've been ever so sparkling and witty and chatty and entertaining. I've fulfilled all the challenges and tasks I've been assigned. I've even gone without carbs, sugar, caffeine and alcohol for the last week. I was a little manic for the first couple days but after that I was practically sublime to be around. And yet, do I have my PROMISED Sloth baby? NO! It's indecent! Ahhh, my little Sloth Baby. Well, technically it will be Our little Sloth Baby as I've agreed to joint custody. One can't be selfish when it comes to a Sloth Baby and must let others love him also. We've even named our little Slothie. Clearly I can't publicly divulge that kind of information though. It would be like one of the regular breeders announcing the name of their unborn child. But the thought of the little Slothie makes me want to break out in song. "All you need is Slothie, la di da di da, All you need is Slothie, la di da di da! etc, etc, etc.

MK: WHERE IS MY PROMISED SLOTHIE????????

What is life without a Slothie? Not much if you ask me!!!!

Love and kisses,

Flossie xxx

My Baby Love

My Baby is poorly. I'm so sad. I want to go home and give him a cuddle so much. I feel so bad that I haven't been back for so long and he thinks I don't love him. I miss him so much. No one smells as good or gives as good cuddles as my Muschka.

I'm too sad for a wardrobe summary. It's essentially a black stretch skirt with a red gucci-esque pattern and a black shirt.

I'm in my Thirties! Woo!

I've had one of my best birthdays ever! Yesterday was just terrific! When I got into work birthday breakfast was set up and ready! How amazing is that! I was the most spoitl girl in London while it took over an hour to work my way through the present unwrapping whilst eating veggie chocolate cake! Yumm!

Above is the darling notebook I got as part of my present from my buddies at work. They made me feel like a princess for a day. Have you ever used a pink crystal encrusted mouse and a pink pen with feathers that lights up? I do now and I don't think I can ever go back! It's beyond amazing!

Precious and Pouncer even figured out how to send me a bunch of roses! They're such clever little kittens!!!

Birthday wardrobe summary: Black suede peep toe sling backs, black hosiery, grey Givenchy-esque dress. Hair: retro-esque pony tail. Make up: Era spray on foundation, limited edition stila pink, peach and chocolate eye shadows, Chanel black eyeliner, electric pink Stila creme cheek colour, Stila lipstick in Lisa, Stila lipgloss in Raspberry.

Mood: Euphoric, Sheepish after being so spoilt, Pink!

xxx

Fear of 31?

I'm pooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrlllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!! I thought there was a small, furry animal burrowing around my insides yesterday and went home thinking it was just from possibly eating carbs and protein too close together or some such. A Carmen Electra Fit To Strip workout didn't help me. An aloe and garlic irrigation gave me some temporary relief. I thought I had sorted myself out - hooray!!!!! Flash forward to 2.30 this morning. Three hours of trying to get back to sleep and not being able to due to the horrific aches I was suffering! Luckily little Pouncer was being a snuggle cat and was keeping me company while I lay awake contemplating getting up to do some housework.

This morning I put my brave face on and came into work and dug into my morning porridge. Clearly I took my carb blockers along with it! Rock on 12.00 and lack of blood sugar regularity requires carbs - many and quickly. What a brilliant excuse to eat chippies!!!!!!!! I adore chips with vinegar and ketchup! They were heaven. Except that little furry animal is digging its way though my insides again. Do you think it could be a marsupial?

I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously fearful of my birthday tomorrow. I'm ageing as we speak! The other thing that makes me sad is that the RSW didn't accept my heartfelt apology for the meanness that was my ranting blog entry. Do you think I'll ever be forgiven?

Wardrobe Summary: poorly person outfit: Black pumps, black opaques, black long sleeved dress, pink scarf, grey cape jacket.

Public Apologies, Retractions and a Little Burlesque Dancing...

SD and I had our birthday party on Friday night. We dragged our friends to a burlesque and pole dancing class. I am pleased to say that we took away a posse of converts that had a brilliant time and are keen to do it again! Yay!!! It was so much fun and I totally discovered my inner pin up girl!!! Photos to follow as soon as I can figure out how on earth to get the images from my phone onto this website!!! It's so much harder than everyone makes it sound!

Meanwhile, as part of the evening's fun, SD related my misbehaviours of the previous weekend. RSW - I'm more than sorry for my rant last week. SD informs me there was more to it than I remember - details of which are not appropriate for my lovely little blog page. However, I'm really sorry and if I could take it back, I would. But I will say that the tantrum was terribly cathartic for more reasons that just the weekend so a thousand thanks to you for giving me a ranting platform.

SD - I had noooooo idea how troublesome I had been. No one needs a 5' 4" 3 year old to look after at a fun party. I promise to be properly behaved forever more.

Wardrobe Summary: Black pumps, sheer hosiery, charcoal high waisted Ungaro skirt, black top with loopy detail. Black strap watch, gold and white gold bangle. Bulgari frameless glasses. Bejewelled butterfly hair pin. Make Up: Stila limited edition eye shadows in pink, apricot and chocolate, Stila creme cheek colour in electric pink, Philosophy Kiss Me.

Fashionista Diaries

You are all to start following Soapnet's Fashionista Diaries. My sweet sweet TP is in it and is the best character they have to offer! The whole thing would be nothing without her fabulousness!!! I'm like a proud moma.

Meanwhile, SD and I are having a joint b'day party tonight. I don't want to go!!!!! I'm having an uber fat-spotty-hideous-socially unacceptable day. I want to be back under the covers in my lovely comfy bed in denial that the light of day has broken and watching Precious and Pouncer try to tear each other's ears off. They're sooooo adorable. Precious was having massive separation anxiety and wanting constant cuddles when I was getting ready this morning.

Tonight's "celebration" includes a pole dancing and burlesque dance class before we go to a club. My wardrobe solution to this dilemma is a super short light khaki dress that has a pleated skirt on it with dark maroon short shorts underneath and super high brown gucci peep toes.

Wardrobe Summary for the day and post dance class: Black suede peep toes, black opaque tights, seriously short purple French Connection dress with key hole back and flared sleeves from the elbow down. Textured pony tail. Make Up: Limited edition peach, pink and chocolate Stila eyeshadows, Chanel black eyeliner, electric pink Stila creme cheek colour, dark pink Stila lipstick, Stila lipgloss in Fruitpunch.