Onion Ring for Sale

Onion Ring must go. I'm advertising for new flat mates today. Again she was banging on my door for 20 minutes at 11.30 last night. She was totally off her trolley and had tripped going outside for one of her contraband balcony cigarettes. She banged her head on the handle and she was covered in blood. Great. I just snapped that she needed to clean herself up and go to the emergency room and left her to it. I'm mean and cold but I can't be dealing with her. She got back in at 2.00 in the morning. I haven't spoken to her. All I know is that there are black spots all over my carpet, blood splattered across my freshly cleaned windows, on my white flowers and urn. There is a big pool of blood that has stained the paintwork on the doorstep to the balcony that I'll clearly need to sand and re-paint on my one day off this weekend. I'm tired of the Onion Ring and her issues. I accidentally bumped into her in the lift as I got home at 10.30 last night. She stood in the foyer of our building crying like a a slobbery, snotty freak show because she didn't get another job she went for yesterday. People saw me with her. I'm so embarrassed.

Anyone looking for a freakish flatmate? Anyone looking for a lovely flat to live in? I promise all remnants of the OR will be eradicated before you move in.

Floss. x

Thursday Morning.

There was a girl

A lonely girl

Who lost her love

Through her indifference

A heart that cared

That went unshared

Until it died

Within her silence

and solitaires the only game in town

And every road that takes her

Takes her down

And by herself its easy to pretend

She'll never love again

and keeping to herself

She plays the game

Without his love

It always ends the same

While life goes on around her everywhere

She's playing solitaire

A little hope

Goes up in smoke

Just how it goes

Goes without saying

There was a girl

A lonely girl

Who would command

The hand she's playing

I'll Say...

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love
has passed me by
And all I know of love
is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it.
So I've made my mind up I must live
my life alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I've always known
I'd say goodbye to love.
There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for something I could live for.
All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.
What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong
But for now this is my song.
And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love.

Turns Out That There Was a Little Left...

Wardrobe Summary: Pink on pink on pink square toe heels, brown pencil skirt, white and brown striped shirt, brown round neck sweater, sapphire ring, pony tail, fendi glasses. Make up: it used to be made up in Nars Emotional Rescue palette. Now it's just all gone a gorgeous (read scary horror film style) blotchy red on my face and down my neck. I'm officially not bothered with how it looks anymore.

There is no point. What is the point? Exactly what function am I serving on this planet? I get up each morning and go to work in a job that anyone could do standing on their heads. I try to look pretty but no one really notices. I don't make a particular difference to anyone's life or to the planet as a whole. I have no discernible talent that differentiates me from the masses or makes a difference to anyone or any entity. Could someone please explain how this is useful and not a waste of scarce resources in this rapidly melting planet?

SoH just decided to let me know that I don't actually know him seeing as we didn't spend much time together. Does it matter how long you've known someone when it comes to how they impact your life? He also needed to bring up "how it all worked out". I really don't want to talk about that ever again. Hence the red blotches in place of my lovely foundation. I thought he had taken out the last of my insides with his rusty spoon. Who knew he took his stupid spoon to South America with him? Who knew he sneakily left some of my insides so he could go back for an extra dig when he was feeling bored? I am taking back the SoH title and he will now be known as RSW. RSW = Rusty Spoon Wielder.

Just finished cancelling all the social engagements that I can possibly get out of. I'm clearly not fit for public consumption. Nor do I at all fancy being around people. Most people are just icky anyway. Luckily I'm on my own again this Christmas and New Year. If I had to be around people I think I would projectile vomit on all around me a la inappropriate lady on Little Britain.

More than ever I want to sell my flat, sell all my worldly possessions and go live in silence as a Tibetan nun or some such. At least then I'll not need to talk to people, have people talk to me, mess me about, etc. I can just wear that red dress thingie and put up prayer flags all day whilst playing with llama.

Could someone please point me in the definitive direction of my life path? Surely there is more to it than this??? If not, I'm so disappointed. I thought it was going to be a lot more interesting.

Floss. x

PS: I didn't have any tissues to hand this afternoon. I have depleted my starbucks serviette supply as stand-in tissues whilst pathetically crying at desk all afternoon. Nose is now devoid of skin, bright red and oh so painful! ouch. Must remember to get ultra soft tissues. If I shave my head and move to Tibet I'm sure I'll not need to cry though. I have photos of me as a bald person from part of my make up work. I actually look very thin as a baldie. Not all bad I guess.

PPS: My life is officially the most pathetic I know of. It's almost 8pm and I'm sitting at my desk listening to saddo Magic FM (which hasn't played any Journey South yet), teary eyed, doing my freelance accounting and a contract that I just had approved from the New York office. No, I don't have family or friends to go to. I don't want to go home to the Onion Ring. So, I take refuge at my desk. I have defly hit an all time low. This is bad, even for me...

Muschka

I miss my mushie so much. I haven't seen him in two and a half years and I'm dying to give him one of my special cuddles where he drools from being so happy! x

Speed Ageing.

Wardrobe Summary: Pink on pink on pink square toe heels, black and white tweed skirt, pink shirt, fendi glasses, tiffany necklace, star ring, gold and white gold bangle. Hair: blow dried, down and slightly rained on. Make Up: Stila cloud and espresso shadow with the usual black eyeliner, orgasm cheeks, comet lips.

I have a new obsession. Be gone with the ipod. I can never get it to charge properly anyways. I'm loving listening to saddo divorcee music on Magic FM through my phone. Last night I was belting out my fave Carpenters tunes, some Elton John, etc. It was great. It also drowned out most of the noise of the Onion Ring wailing on the phone to her Mum. Seriously - I've never heard anyone that cries so much and so loudly. She told me to give her our post box key last night. She also closes the living room door to me now. I truly feel like she has usurped all leadership of my flat. I need to find a way to take back control.

This morning I was so looking forward to plugging the radio back into my phone and I got another Carpenters tune! I was so excited. I have truly turned into a 40 year old. I guess it had to happen some time. Now I've vowed myself to a life of single-ness I guess this is as good a time as any.

Floss. x

The Show Must Go On...

The show is over, I'm a shattered and exhausted little girl. I was there for just over ten hours on Saturday so I tried to balance it out by pretending to be a vegetable all day yesterday. I lay like broccoli only to move from my bed to the couch. I got up a couple of times to make myself a cup of tea and that was the extent of my movement. I could so use today to go for a gentle run and do more of the same with some cleaning thrown in. Onion Ring was a good girl last week and I believe she has vacuumed and managed to not have the kitchen look like it's going to walk away. Perhaps my absence highlighted how little she actually does? Perhaps left to her own devices she's vaguely clean? Judging by the smell emanating from her bedroom each time she opens the door I'm being hugely optimistic here.
Back to the real world today. Back to being a functioning person that can't shake off irritating responsibilities due t working a thousand hours a day. Drats. I have a quasi-date on Friday night with the Swedish polo player. I sooooooo don't want to go! I'm really trying to think of different ways I can get out of it! Next week is fully booked with Christmas functions so I have to put some energy into pretending to have holiday spirit and strongly resist the urge to say Bah Humbug to all who come near me. I'm also fairly unaware of what mistletoe looks like. I'd like to avoid standing near any of that stuff in the same way I'd like to avoid exposing myself to airborne eboli.
Wardrobe Summary: Oh dear. Black and tan stacked round toe pumps, black opaque tights, black pencil skirt, white shirt, tight brown sweater, pink scarf (I'm freezing), black dior diamante glasses (hence the oh dear). Hair, pony tail with two skinny black bands. Make Up: Nars Emotional Rescue Palette.
Floss. x

Ranting...

How does one conduct a rant? I'm mad and I really want to rant! The people I want to rant at are the ones I can't! Except of course, for the accounts department on level 5. They will be seeing me stomp my towering inferno heels whilst wearing my galaxy-esque dress after informing me that all my submitted work "went missing in transit". Argh! Meanwhile, my much needed ranting... I desperately want to rant at the Onion Ring. She's so unreasonable and lazy and messy and disgusting and smelly and gross. However, any gentle suggestions on these matters are not understood. Any firmer guidance is met with shouting, yelling, scary faces, telling me what to do, telling me to go to my room and informing me that I am in need of mental help. I can't do confrontation so obviously this isn't a situation I'm going to repeat.

The other person I would like to rant at is only available on email. Ranting on email is never a good thing. It's never taken in the tone it's meant to be taken in and can only result in no good. Besides, the rant I want to go on is only from a situation of my own making. I've discovered that I'm a Doormat. It's tempting to change my name from Floss to Doormat. Why do I undertake ridiculously generous tasks for people that really don't care? That really don't appreciate the efforts I go to? It's like I'm a beaten puppy dog that keeps going back to it's owner for approval and love only to get another whack with a large and heavy stick. I want to go mad at the people on the other end of this stick but I really should just be going mad at myself.

So it's no more Miss Nice-Floss. From here on in it's Miss Hard-Ass-Floss. No more massive gestures of kindness, no more putting myself on the line for the needs of others. In fact, no more generosity at all! However, I'm a compulsive Doormat. Hence some drastic actions need to be taken. I have decided that I need to take myself out of the line of fire in order to assure the lack of generosity continues. I have decided to buy much vintage chanel couture on Ebay in black and wear this at all times. (The only uniform a proper Hard-Ass-Floss would ever consider) I am going to live all alone with Pixie and Pucci and be happy ever after. It's the new alternative ending to my fairy tale life plan that has obviously gone on a massive crash and burn. No one to disappoint, no one to disappoint me. Just the Pixie, the Pucci, my shoes and me. Bliss...
Floss. x

Do You Think A Landlord Would Let Me?

I would like this white lion as a my imminent Pixie. I think it's beyond cute. It's so fat and it's fur looks so thick and his little ears are too cute and I just want to cuddle him soooooooooo much! Do you think a landlord would let me keep him in a one bedroom flat? He'd be so much fun to take for walks! x

My new Pucci

I have a new solution to my Pucci problem! I have discovered one in the props for the show that I'm in love with! Hooray! I think she's so cute!

I may be warming up to the whole musical thing. I'm not sure I can sit through one yet but being out the back with all the props and costumes to play with is fun! Like a big dress up box! I have my eye on the pucci, the tiara, a head dress with loads of feathers a la showgirl and a big silver space style gown. I love the gown. I wear it a lot and hate taking it off so they can put it on to wear on stage! ha!

It was so lovely when I left last night. DWS mentioned how great it is to have me around on the show. He said I'm not just a great artist but a lovely and supportive person to have around! That was such a lovely thing for him to say! Warm fuzzies for me!

I am beyond sleep deprived again. Onion Ring keeps me awake all night with her drunkenly nocturnal stumblings and loud crying sessions. My mental and physical health are suffering at her hands. In fact, today I can feel a horrible little twitch in my cheek. It's in one of the spots my acupuncturist used to stick a needle to help lower my stress levels. This isn't a good sign. In fact, I'm in the middle of a semi-text war with Onion Ring as we speak. I want her to go back to paying her rent twice monthly as originally agreed. She's so selfish and needs everything her own way without a care for anyone else. I can't take much more of the Onion Ring. She's got me shaking and tearful due to lack of sleep, etc.

CT arrives from New York today! I'm so looking forward to seeing her! Hooray! Am sure she will make me forget all my troubles. She's such a wonderful and happy thing!

Wardrobe Summary: Black suede knee high boots, black and white plaid pleated skirt, black turtle neck, skinny black headband. Pony tail. Make Up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette. (not much emotional rescue happening just yet).

Please all keep your fingers crossed I manage to sell my flat v soon! I can't take living with the Onion Ring for much longer without needing to check myself into the Priory or some such due to another nervous breakdown.

Floss. xxx

A summary of events and more thoughts on the rusty spoon situation

• I'm back to my Pre-SoH way of life. My time with the SoH is a distant memory. Pre-SoH I was "happy" enough but it has to be said that Life-of-Floss was a bit of a flat line. Very empty and half my time was taken up with finding ways to keep myself busy and "fulfilled".
• The entrance of the SoH made everything a lot more enriched. A lot more like there was a reason for being the Floss. Life was happy proper. All commented on how I was like a different person and so smiley and relaxed.
• Day 1 of Rusty-Spoon-Gate I couldn't even hold a conversation. I just cried, ran and went on hugely long walks.
• Day 2 of Rusty-Spoon-Gate I went for a run, got dressed up with my hair and make up perfect and spent the afternoon with GK in the show flat she was selling.
• Days 3 through 5 of Rusty-Spoon-Gate I sat at my desk and cried as quietly as I could. Please note that waterproof make up was applied and I kept my grooming up throughout. At no time during this fiasco have the standards of appearance slipped except for day 1. However, it should be taken into consideration that it all took place while I was half way through blow drying my hair and getting ready to meet friends in Chelsea. Clearly I didn't make it.
• For the next week I thought I was fine and ever so pleased with myself for organising a few dates with people that had been in touch during my time with the SoH that I had blown off. Turns out I'm really not up for dating (please see One Month Since entry).
• I realised this morning on the way to work that I'm back to a flat-line situation. There are worse ways to be. I get a huge sense of satisfaction doing fun things and exploring London on my own.
• When I speak to SoH on email these days I actually forget who it is! He's like an internet buddy or one of the friends that live in the USA or Australia that I communicate with solely on email. I forget that he's the one that took the flat line away and then re-instated it again.
• Seeing as the flat line has been in place since 1997 I think it's more within my ultimate comfort zone and I'm embracing it as a lifestyle from here on in. I'm not doing so badly for someone without a pulse. If nothing else, I'm well groomed!
• Two days in a row I have eaten for Britain. Without the opportunity to go for a run I officially feel like a blimp. I really need to stop eating again immediately!!!!

Only the most brilliant are left handed...

Did you know that the following brilliant and gorgeous people are left handed? Only the most fabulous of us are left handed. I feel we need more recognition...

• Leonardo da Vinci


• Greta Garbo


• Brad Pitt


• Dick van Dyke


• Marilyn Monroe


• Julius Caesar


• Bart Simpson


• Floss

I'm Going To Totally Crash And Burn By The End Of This Week

I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...I'm so sleep deprived...

One Month Post Insides Removal With Rusty Spoon...

Ooohhh - I just realised that it's a month today since I had my insides taken out with that painfully rusty spoon.

That's so long ago! It feels like an age since then. It seems kind of like it happened to a totally different person.

Reflections on life post insides removal with a rusty spoon...

• My mind has erased from it's archives what it's like to cuddle, engage in affectionate behaviour, etc. That's probly for the best I suspect.



• I have lost loads of weight. Yay! I need to engage in some serious wardrobe replenishment!



• Due to subsequent nail biting habit that resulted in stumps I am now a wearer of faux nails. I have always had a hatred for icky faux nails. I now embrace the faux nail. It's so low maintenance! I don't have to worry about painting them (pre-painted in french tip), I don't need to worry about conditioning them as they're tres tough, they don't break and I keep glue on me at all times in case one falls off! Hooray!



• I have picked up loads more shifts for my extra work and my bank balance is looking a little healthier. Keeping busy and making money. Can't complain about that.



• I started running in an effort to get my mind off my troubles. Now I hate not getting my run in. That has to be a good habit for my body!



• I'm blonde again. I don't know if it's a result of the insides removal but it's within a month of the event so I'll include it. I've had nothing but good responses. Everyone says my eyes really stand out and look extra green with the new strawberry tones. Can't be a bad thing.



• The KPP turned to dust at the bottom of the canyon it was destined to be flung into. As discussed in earlier blog entry, I'm happier for it. I'm far more evolved than I gave myself credit for as a KPP.
• After sincere reflection and listening to The Whitlams cover the brilliant Mr Bacharach's insightful poetry (see below) I'm thinking maybe the whole palava is entirely over rated. Seeing my life end as lonely spinster and decomposing rapidly due to Onion Ring's phobia of turning off the heaters seems like a walk in a squirrel infested park in comparison to the dilemmas associated with the alternative.

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
After you do, he'll never phone you.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
Don't tell me what is all about,
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out,
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you
What do you get when you fall in love?
You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion.
I'll never fall in love again.
I'll never fall in love again.
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow.
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I'll never fall in love again!
I'll never fall in love again!
Don't tell me what it's all about
`Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you. (here to mind you) 3x
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So, for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again
Oh, I'll never fall in love again

Mini Moo

"Moon River, wider than a mile, I'm crossing you in style some day. Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker, wherever you're going I'm going your way. Two drifters off to see the world. There's such a lot of world to see. We're after the same rainbow's end-- waiting 'round the bend, my huckleberry friend, Moon River and me."

I feel a little moo-ish today. I can't decide what my mood is. I feel a little disjointed. Could just be from the lack of sleep. Could be that I've officially forgotten what a cuddle is. Please someone email me a definition, description or some such?

I started on the stage show last night. It was dress rehearsal. Lucky! I was so lost and got there 40 minutes late and didn't even have time to properly do the two leads. Bad me. I will do better tonight. It was so nice to see everyone again. It's like my extended family that I see once or twice a year! Mr DWS is the only man I know that would wear a YSL jacket and gucci trousers in an off, off west end production of Anything Goes! ha ha ha! He is too brilliant.

Floss x

Oh yeah - Wardrobe Summary: less than thrilling today due to sleep deprivation. Black faux snakeskin round toe stacked pumps, black opaque tights, grey skirt with pleats around the bottom, white shirt, black sweater. Hair: Skinny black alice band and pony tail. Make Up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette.

This blog is supposed to be all about me. Between the required wardrobe summary and the noted mentions it's totally losing the self-centred theme I strive to uphold! However, SoH, in order to avoid another of those unbearable emails that riddle me with guilt, I hereby mention you. I hope you have a great and safe flight to Quito. According the special clock I found on Google, it is now 09.30 there and the day is due to be 16 degrees and partly cloudy.

x

Gentlemen Prefer Strawberry Blondes...

Wardrobe Summary: Pink panelled heels, sheer hosiery, black and white tweed skirt, white french cuff tuxedo shirt, tight black cardigan, skinny black hair bands, tiffany bracelet, black strap watch. Make Up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette. Hair: New shade of strawberry blonde - tres fruity.

I was waiting for AB to arrive on Friday night and decided I was going to go blonde over the weekend. Poor AB was due to arrive at 9.30 and she didn't end up at mine till almost midnight due to evil traffic on evil motorway somewhere between Milton Keynes and London Victoria. It was soooooo great to see her though. We did talk for hours and hours and then we got up nice and early in the morning so we could talk even more! I miss AB! I wish she could move to London!

AB agrees that Onion Ring is a strange little troll-like creature. AB never says anything mean about anyone so it's clearly true. Onion Ring kept me awake all Saturday night with her drunkenly shrill voice on calls in her bedroom and bouncing my wine glasses off the walls and carpet in the wee hours of the morning. Clearly I slept in and missed my morning run in an effort to recapture some sleeping moments before work. Now I feel like a blimp. It's so great having someone to blame for all my problems! ha ha ha!

Am v pleased with my efforts at work yesterday. I had a lovely but nervous bride first thing when i was there and she was so pleased with what I did for her. Later in the day I had most difficult lady wanting a new look but didn't want to tell me what she usually wears, etc. The usual "let's test the make up artist" story. Half way through she didn't like what I was doing but decided to crack on. By the end she was totally loving it and bought everything! Hooray! Snaps for me!

Meanwhile, I am now a strawberry blonde again. I had intended to go properly blonde but I think this is a good compromise for the time being. I will think about going bombshell blonde in a few weeks. I definitely feel a little more like the old, flirty me with the new hair. I keep forgetting about it though and I get a little shock when I look in the mirror! Whoops!

Sweet SoH, please spend less time reading blogs and more time enjoying most brilliant holiday! I have noted lack of postcards. Do they not have mail in SA? Puppy beyond adorable, however how can you say it's "the most amazing thing I have ever met". Surely you're reserving that title for me??? Am hoping inclusion of picture and personalised message are making you feel better re: lack of mentions in most brilliant Blog.

Floss. xxx

These are a few of my favourite things...

Here is a list of things I miss having/doing/being/sharing, etc, etc. And some of the things that I don't...

• Surprisingly I'm kinda happy the KPP got flung into the canyon and turned to dust. I don't think I want to be a KPP anymore. It feels quite childish and I think they're creatures that are low on the evolutionary scale of life. I'd like to think I've moved beyond this.
• Cuddles. However, I think I found inspiration on how to achieve these last night at the charity event. Impending photo (as soon as I manage to get my laptop online again) will explain everything. This man should be awarded some sort of Nobel prize for brilliance. Please come back to this space over the weekend when I can show you the picture!
• I do miss having friends that think I'm a sane, normal person when i try to cuddle a squirrel, steal a cute puppy, pre-name a yet-to-be-acquired pet, look for a good place to get my botox, cry when my hair gets massacred, think out loud about the day I will be truly pretty.
• Sunlight. This morning it was lovely. The sun looked so pretty coming up over the river from home and then it was flashing through the Reuters fence posts at me on my walk to work. Very cute. I wish it was a more frequent occurrence.
• Being a teensy tiny size 6 without even really trying.
• Being smarter. I feel that I'm getting less intelligent the older I get.
• Being able to speak my schoolgirl French. I wish I had paid more attention in class. Je suis desolat.
• Playing the violin. I feel I am never going to be dedicated enough to ever take it up again. I wish I wasn't so lazy.
• I miss being debt free. Ooh la la. I know it's a fact of life these days that we all have debt, but it really does keep me from any chance of having a good night's sleep.
• The confidence I had when I was 4 years old and I put on my dress-up bridal outfit to map out my life plan. I was so going to be a famous writer and artist, married by 25 and making cookies for my tribe of non-drug-addicted, immaculately dressed children. Ahhh, bless childhood naivete.
• Being pretty. Now I'm quite average. One person in my life has told me I'm beautiful. I liked that. Everyone else says I'm "cute". I hate being cute. I'm a grown woman. The curse of chubby cheeks. I'll be 48 and people will call me cute even if I manage to be entirely attired in couture Chanel. It's just not what I'm trying to achieve here.
• Knowing what I'm trying to achieve in this life.
• Travel. Will I ever make it to Vietnam and Cambodia? Unlikely. I'll die in Canary Wharf. I just know it. Lord that's depressing.
• Being properly groomed. I miss facials and manicures and pedicures and hair cuts.
• Holding hands and walking.
• Not feeling the pressure to natter like a small animal that resides in the woods. I like it when it's so comfy to be with another person that you can not say anything at all. It's perfection.
• Knowing that when you're having a bad day there is someone that can make it all not exist while you spend time with them. It's like getting a massage at a spa - but better.
• Not living with Onion Ring. My fave housemates have been AB and CJ. They're beyond brilliant. I can't wait to see AB tonight!!!
• Having anyone bother to notice when I make an effort to look good. It's not like I can roll out of bed and look like this. Extensive up-keep, maintenance, thought and planning goes into this. When anyone notices, it makes it sooooooo worth it!
• Seeing the people I care about on a regular basis. I can go for weeks without seeing friends. It's just lucky I've become good friends with the people I work with - otherwise I could be lying dead in my flat decomposing rapidly (seeing as Onion Ring has a phobia of turning off the heater) and no one would notice.

Don't forget to watch this space for the photo trapped in my camera! I'm endeavouring to make this a new career change!

Floss xxx

PS: I know I'll get in trouble if I don't do this now... gosh, the pressure. Wardrobe summary: Black and tan towering inferno stacked pumps, sheer hosiery, grey and blue plaid pencil skirt, grey demi-wing-sleeved sweater. Hair: pulled back into a pony tail with two skinny black head bands at different angles to each other. Make-up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette.

Emergency Santa Requirements...

Santa,

I know I'm a big girl now and that you don't really feel the need to stop by my balcony to drop presents off anymore. I also understand that I have moved to a country with v inhospitable weather patterns at this time of year (and all times). However, could I please ask you this favour? Could I pull this favour for all the times I asked for "all children to be happy" instead of for presents for myself when I was a little girl? I know those times were limited, but surely it still counts for something? We've had such a great relationship in the past that I feel I can ask this of you.

I've found my Pucci that I've been wanting for so long. It will be ready just in time for your yearly trip and thought there could be an outside chance you wouldn't mind dropping by my balcony???

Please open link for more information on said Christmas request.

I hope you'll not find me on your naughty list and look forward to your hasty reply.

Many kisses,

Floss xxx
http://www.findit.co.uk/pets/dogs/spaniels/1185946.php

Penguin Love

I'm going through a Penguin period. I love and adore them. Do you think I could have one as a pet for a while? A lovely cute baby one.

Big exciting news, my lovely new phone arrived! I am now contactable again without having to go outside and find a spot on top of a windy hill for a speck of reception! Best of all, it has a cute little penguin that likes to jump up in the air and walk across my screen! Hooray!

Wardrobe Summary for the day: Black round toed stacked pumps, black tights, black pencil skirt, tight black thermal top from NZ. Make-up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette. Hair: It was blow dried so prettily until I had to walk through the horrific rain and wind of Canary Wharf. Now it's just weird. Also discovered that the cow fur ugg boots I walk to work in aren't waterproof. Soggy feet at office. Icky.

It's only one more sleep till AB arrives! I'm in the midst of preparing for our nocturnal natterings. We'll need plenty of warm drinks that won't make us awake but won't make us drowsy. We'll need sustenance that is both girlie, comforting and non-fattening and low in carbs. This is defly going to require much thought and planning. Seeing as I'm working tonight at an event for Space NK in Canary Wharf, I think this planning time is going to be incredibly limited.

More time and effort is required for my wardrobe of late. It appears that I have dropped a dress size over the last month or so. All this emotional turmoil and stress is doing brilliant things for my figure! Hooray! Taking in clothes isn't the worst job I can think of! Meanwhile, shopping for new ones would be even more fun!

Floss xxx

Everything My Heart Desires...

Wardrobe Summary: Pink panelled heels, charcoal high waisted Ungaro pencil skirt, black top with loopy neckline. Hair: Up in a diamante Butterfly topped hair pin. Make-up: Nars Emotional Rescue Palette.





Here is a top ten list of the things my heart most desires at this moment in time:

• For my massacred hair to be grown back out and lovely.


• To not live with the Onion Ring (on a scary slippery slide of depression and alcoholism that worries me more and more).


• To have sold my flat and be all set up in a cosy new place on my own with the impending Pixi & Pucci.


• I would love a lovely holiday that is both intrepid with elements of spa style relaxation thrown in.


• More shoes - including the perfect pair of boots


• More handbags


• More beautiful dresses


• To score a lovely commercial campaign as most brilliant make up artist.


• The perfect love. Not the type that is thrilling and exciting. The type that is fulfilling and comfy and gives you the feeling of all over peace, safety, confidence and satisfaction with life in general. The type of love that gives you the same feeling about every day as chicken soup does when you're not feeling well.

Floss xxx

Alice and her black hole

It's just after 5.00pm and it's pitch black. It looks like the middle of the night. How can this be? What purpose does this actually serve besides to make us all unhappy? By January I'm sure that everyone I know, and many I don't, are going to be ready to fling themselves off the nearest tower. I find it so hard to function during British winter. Sunlight truly warms my soul. I love sitting on a bus or a train or a ferry, closing my eyes and letting it hold my face. I know it's caused the wrinkles I spent all of this morning moaning about, but it's such a special feeling. It's like the universe telling you how special you are and how much it loves you. Winter and it's darkness is such a loveless season. I think snow is over rated as well. Ba humbug.

Happy items of news for today:

1. AB is coming to visit me from Harrogate on Friday night. Sooooo looking forward to having her and am planning on not sleeping at all Friday and just talking and talking and talking and talking and talking... (you get the picture)


2. My darling CO is going to be here from Sydney over Christmas! She flies in on Christmas day! I can't wait to see her! It's been about 18 months.

Still no one wanting to buy my flat. Am starting to panic now that it's been 48 hours.

Off to take my goat whey powder now. Perhaps today will be the day I become truly beautiful from taking it. As usual, I live in a world of fantasy and make believe and am just falling down a rabbit hole with nothing but disappointment and misery at the bottom of it.

Floss x

For Sale

My flat is officially on the internet for sale! I'm so happy! My next big step is to sell it. Does anyone want to buy my lovely flat??? It's been on the internet all day and I haven't had anyone be in touch about coming in for a viewing yet. This worries me somewhat. I've heard that 80% of viewings are booked within the first 48 hours of a property being listed. Does no one love my flat? Can other people see the bad karma in there from a mile away? Even over the internet? Am I that out of tune with the karmic vibrations of homes that I couldn't tell when I bought the flat that it would bring me nothing but bad luck?

Today is day one of Onion Ring being unemployed. Clearly I am frightened of going home and finding the state/smell of the flat after I left it immaculately perfect. Clearly I am hoping she gets a job pretty much immediately. The longer she's unemployed, the worse my couch is going to look. Oh dear.

There seems to be a theme running here. I am lacking patience. I am defly the type of person that makes a decision about something and then wants to see it instantly done. I just don't understand why it should take any longer? I really don't ask for that much out of life and I'm always willing to put in the hard work. I don't see why things should take so long? Why can't Onion Ring get a job today? Why can't my flat have an offer on it for the asking price by the end of the week? I mean to say... really... these things aren't that big.

It's day four of project: Goat Whey Powder. On Saturday I had it three times. I am officially no more beautiful than I was on Friday. Very disappointing. I hope the effects have kicked in by the end of the container. Perhaps it's a three week process rather than a one week?

I went into Superdrug on my way through Putney yesterday. The Christmas campaign is out. I was the make up assistant on there and have quite a bit of work in it. I had quite a tear when I saw the images up in the store larger than life. They're so amazing. I can't wait to be the lead make up artist on a project like that. Meanwhile, I am the best darned assistant in town. I can go on emergency diamante dashes and keep your station cleaner with more available brushes than anyone I know! Anyone need an assistant???

My favourite word to say when I am unhappy is "Moo". I think it states my case clearly and succinctly. Today I have said "Moo" at least 27 times. Luckily it's nearly time to leave for the evening. How exciting. A night locked in my room using my laptop to play pilates dvd's for an hour and a half seeing as it's a non running night (due to intense darkness and impending rain). I'm too scared to run in the super dark now that all the scary teenagers have come out to play. When, oh, when can I move to Wimbledon when the scariest thing to jump out at me during a run will be a psychotic squirrel or a senile bunny rabbit?

Floss xxx

Farewell to Fulham

Last night I got home to be greeted by a very trolleyed Onion Ring. Why is this newsworthy, you may ask? She had been out on it since 12.00 as she was told yesterday that she doesn't have a job to go back to on Monday. Clearly I feel bad for the girl but my first thoughts were that her rent was due on Tuesday. How is she going to be paying this from now on? I totally count on that money each fortnight as it gets me through till my pay day and keeps all the bills at bay (sort of).

I've assured her that she'll have a job, even if it's not her dream job, by Wednesday. Secretly I fear her fragrance of stale chardonnay and massively inflated attitude issues may hinder this time frame somewhat. Secretly I'm very very afraid that she's going to have an excuse on Tuesday and each following Tuesday about why she can't give me her rent. Luckily I do have someone to step in at any given moment. One of my fave ex-housemates that is having problems finding a new place in Maida Vale and that may jet off to Milan to live, at any rate, over the coming months.

Speaking of CJ (said, ex-h/m), I am scheduled to meet her at Fulham tube station with some other friends at 8.30 this evening. We were to be having a super cheapie light dinner and then going for a few drinks in a venue she's had a laugh at before. I fear I'm going to have to be sensible and bail. I just can't justify going out and living it up when I'm facing the prospect of financial ruin at the hands of the Onion Ring. Not only is this making me unhappy as I would love to go out and interact with human beings in a social setting, it also means I have an evening trapped in the flat with the Onion Ring. Last night she managed to have us sleeping with our front door unlocked during one of her drunken cigarette breaks. Brilliant.

Luckily I pressed the button and the flat is officially up for sale as of today. Please someone buy it from me rather quickly? It's quite a steal. I've even found the perfect flat for me to move to that is available for me now!!! How happy would I be having Christmas in a brand new flat all on my own??? Very!!!!

Floss xxx

Glitch In Plans...

I have several small items to report today. None of them have a huge impact as stand-alone items, but they're reportable all the same.

1. The whole plan of moving to Battersea appears to require me to earn double my current income.


2. If I move to Wimbledon I can get the perfect place with storage, sunlight, privacy, vicinity to transport, the common to run in and a riding school. It also has a local Space NK that I could do my weekend shifts in.


3. Onion Ring discovered a deal where she can have pizza and 20 onion rings delivered for £9.99. It took them two hours to deliver it. She called them every fifteen minutes. She didn't enjoy it enough to make it worth the wait.


4. My life is definitely of lower quality now I'm unable to watch Trinny & Susannah, How to Look Good Naked, America's Next Top Model or Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.


5. Several groups of teenagers are loitering on my running route at night. I don't feel comfortable as I run by them and they either run alongside me or call out to me. Volume of iPod doesn't allow me to hear details of their comments. I'm sure it's not complimentary If I don't blog for a few days, please alert the authorities to my disappearance. I'm sure it means I've been mugged by said teenagers and left for dead by the river and am currently being eaten by scary giant duck-like creatures and pigeons


6. I'm in love with Goat Milk Whey. I firmly believe that taking it twice a day in warm water for a few months will make me as beautiful as Uma Thurman.


7. Having two employers (as I do - I work in a bank that uses an outsourced company for their recruitment. Technically I work for the recruitment company but have minimal communications with this actual employer) is a lot trickier than I thought it was going to be. Balancing meetings and training sessions in their offices as opposed to my bank's offices and two sets of culture and two sets of work social dates, etc, etc.


8. I've agreed to go on a "date" with a Swedish polo player. I don't know how I feel about this. He is a nice man to chat to. We're going for cocktails in a very fancy hotel that I really like. In a weird way, I'm secretly hoping he doesn't like me. I don't really feel much like dating or getting into a relationship at the minute. Once bitten twice shy, gun shy etc, etc. I think the acquisition of Pixie and Pucci will be the best option rather than a new boyf for the foreseeable future.

I am going to leave it at 8 items. Eight is a number full of brilliantly amazing good luck. Hopefully my blog will be brimming with luck as a result of my planning. I'm sure, as usual, my intense optimism has been saved for the purely impossible.

Floss xxx

Goddess all the same...

I might not be a hard core DIY goddess as I had hoped but I believe I am a bit of a goddess all the same...

So it turns out that tiling a bathroom floor isn't my cup of tea. Never mind. Yesterday, while I was waiting for the man to come and take the marketing photos of my flat, I managed to unscrew the front off the water heater and manually reset the thermostat! I'm so impressed with myself for being able to look up the model on the internet and find the instructions on how to do this! In the regular version of my world I would have called directory assistance to help me find someone to come out for a service call on that one. I feel terribly self sufficient and brilliant. However, that may also be the happy feeling I have from my first hot shower all week and being able to give my hair a proper wash and blow dry! May I also mention how magical all of this was with my newly tiled bathroom floor instead of icky carpet? What is it with English bathrooms and carpet?

Goddess wardrobe summary: Towering inferno black and tan stacked karen millen pumps, sheer hosiery, black pencil skirt, black turtle neck. Make up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette. hair blowdried! (V exciting)

This morning on the way to work I agreed to do the make up for a theatre production for a week. It's after work each evening so I'm going to have to uber leg it from the office to the theatre each night. I've done this group a couple of times before. The first time I was going after work and by the end of the week I was a very sick little girl from all the stress. The second time I took a week off work as it was during my stint as a waitress at Sketch. (I quit shortly after returning due to ongoing sexual harassment and being in hate with the uniform. No one looks good in 501's.) I'm so looking forward to the job as it's a really great group of people. There is a problem with accepting this job. I have a very dirty secret. I really despise musicals. I think they were sent to earth by the devil himself to torture people. Do you think anyone would notice if I wore ear plugs? If they did notice, would they be offended? Could I potentially feign a medical condition that requires me to avoid all Gershwin tunes? Gershwinitis perhaps?

I'm going to google medical websites and see what I can come up with. If you have any suggestions, please pass them on. I only have a week to figure out a solution!

Floss xxx

The Broken Teddy Bear

It appears that I have a thing for broken teddy bears. It's bringing no good into my life. I've always loved the broken teddy bear (BTB). I figure no one else is going to love it so I need to give it even extra cuddles and extra love and make it feel even more special than the shiny, new teddy bears.

Exhibit A, Flatmate # 1 2006:
He came over. Said he was dossing with friends as he and his girlf had split up as she wanted children and he didn't. His friends (that were a couple) had been arguing and he felt like he needed to move immediately. I helped him move, made sure he was comfortable, had everything he needed. Said it was fine for him to move in before his cheque had cleared as it was obviously an emergency.
Result: He didn't ever pay me his deposit or rent for several months. Avoided me like the plague. Trashed his room. Stole my laptop and several other items whilst avoiding all camera surveillance in my foyer. Left my front door open. Took the keys with him so I had to get all my locks changed. Turns out he does this on a serial basis and the police aren't able to track him down for all his petty theft and fraud.

Exhibit B, Flatmate # 2 2006:
We call this one Fatpants. I met this girl on the trading floor at work. I took pity on her and made friends with her. The story is that she moved here from Australia at the request of her Welsh boyf. After being here for six weeks he told her that he didn't want to go out with her anymore. She moved to London but didn't have any friends. I gave her uber discounted rent so she could afford it and be closer to her work rather than her usual two hour journey.
Result: She was continually out on the drink in Canary Wharf (to the point where the guys at Corneys know her name and her life story), came home and would break glasses, make huge mess in the kitchen and on the carpet. She never ever washed the bed linen in the months that she lived there. She brought home several different random boys that she met in quality venues like Church. Scared all people who met her with her freakish, upside down Cleopatra-esque eyeliner and badly done faux breasts. We no longer speak.

Exhibit C, Flatmate # 3 2006:
Onion Ring. I don't feel the need to say more on this subject right now... enough has been said.

I remember being a little girl at Disneyland and everyone was clamoured around Pooh Bear giving him loads of attention and hugs. I looked behind me and saw Eeyore all alone and looking sad. I ran over to him and told him I loved him more than anything else and gave him a huge hug. Poor Eeyore. He came up to me during the parade, gave me a cuddle and everything.

There are a couple of theories going around at the moment as to how I get myself into these situations due to my clearly rubbish obsession with the BTB.

Theory # 1:
I am hoping that by giving all my love and help to the BTB that no one else will hug, it will love me even more in return. I also don't need to worry too much about being rejected by said BTB seeing as anyone else would have a hard time being so lovely to it.

Theory # 2:
By focusing all my energies on the BTB and fixing it's problems and making it feel great I can ignore my own BTB issues and sweep them under the colloquial carpet. This then leads to a vicious cycle where I get myself into hot water thanks to my own problems getting me into trouble due to lack of attention and actioning plus that of my new found counter part.

Oh dear. It could even be both theories. Combined it's just a recipe for disaster. JB has mentioned that perhaps I should just stand back and take myself away from a situation where I have to pick a TB at all. If we take away the need for the choice, I can't make the wrong one. If I become a TB myself for a while, perhaps the right person will pick me? What if they're not the kind person that can deal with a BTB? What if they drop me and break me more??? What if my arm falls off or something??? I don't think I like this option either!

I'm wondering if I should just back slowly and quietly out of the toy store all together...

xxx

The Bold And The Beautiful

Omigosh! My life is the soap opera that all the occupants of my apartment block follow! How did this happen to me? Do these people have such disinteresting lives that they feel the need to be updated with the details of mine? You may be asking why I'm so affronted by people knowing my personal business when I have my life on a blog that goes on the internet? First of all, I'm pretty sure that only three people read this, if I'm lucky. Kind of the same readership my beauty columns in the local papers have. Second of all, I choose what I do and don't put in these pages - and they're not the sordid details!

My building has a doorman (DM). He also recently rented a flat from GK. During the course of a "conversation" (read MASSIVE barney that ended in negotiations akin to that of the UN) with Onion Ring last night and a subsequent phone call with GK this morning, I learnt that DM has been gleaning tidbits of my life from all and sundry. He has then put two and two together, making 16 and kept anyone that will listen up to date with my happenings! How did this happen?

Points that DM has been sharing with people:

• Details of my flat mate from earlier in the year that was a non-rent-payer and stole a bunch of my belongings and turns out to be a known criminal. (I sooooo know how to pick them!)
• My PMS related mood swings
• How borderline obsessive compulsive I am with the cleaning
• The weird diets I am always following
• The details (incorrect I might add) of the recent downfall of the SoH and I.
• and many more ...

I feel that I should be charging a fee for this entertainment I am providing. Will they make a movie about it? Which actress will play me? Someone glamorous? Will it be a Bridget Jones type scenario where some a-lister glamour has to pile on weight to be me and then glean magazine pages for her dramatic post-shooting-weight-loss? I wonder if they'll let me do the make up?

xxx

Monday Blues and the Imminent Pixie and Pucci

I hate Mondays. Increasingly I find myself getting wound up on Sunday afternoons because I know it's on it's way. I was yawning by the time I got here this morning at 08.30. By ten I was looking for a caffeine hit. Now I'm deeply ensconced in ways to avoid eating any lunch whilst still finding that comfort hit to get me through till the end of the day. Monday wardrobes are usually dark affairs. Today it's a black suede pair of peep toe sling back pumps, black opaque tights, charcoal high waisted skirt, black top with loopy trim on the neckline and sleeves. Make Up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette.

Today is even worse than most Mondays. Onion Ring is causing me to have a nervous breakdown. Living with a self obsessed, depressed alcoholic is too much for even the strongest to bear. I am not going so well. She spent the weekend telling S how he should be tiling (didn't realise she had been to trade school in between joining the air force and doing her law degree) and watching the worst abc1 and para-comedy have to offer at very high volumes. If I hear one more line from Frasier or King of Queens I will need to move to another country where they don't speak English.

So my new plans are to not live with people anymore. I am going to find myself a teensy, tiny garden flat near the tranquility of Battersea Park. I am going to immediately acquire my kitten and my puppy from the shelter and they will be my new best friends and keep me company forever and give me loads of cuddles. I will call my kitten Pixie and my puppy Pucci. Both will need to be v small so all three of us can happily live in my tiny new living space with all my make up and shoes. I think I will have to use the kitchen for storage rather than actual cooking. I can't stand cooking for one anyways - so no biggie. Just another excuse for me to hit the sushi bar at Nobu a couple of times a week for my fave yellow tail with jalapeno. Yuuummmmm.

The photos are being taken of my flat on Wednesday morning so that it can go on all the real estate websites, etc. Fingers crossed someone desperately wants to snaffle it up quickly and I can have a peaceful Christmas in my new abode rather than fending off Onion Ring and her evil chardonnay stench. Seeing as I'm working Christmas Eve I am an orphan again this year. It looks like I have found a women's shelter to volunteer at for the day. I'm super looking forward to that. It should be really good fun. I used to volunteer at a homeless shelter one morning a week back in Sydney. They were such a lovely group of men and I've never been proposed to so much in my life!!!

xxx

Confessions of a DIY Goddess

Turns out I'm not the DIY genius I thought I was. My Mum visited for my 30th in August and I took a week off for us to spend together. We spent most of that week painting my flat. I really enjoyed it. I've always had visions of owning my own flat, rolling up my sleeves and making it my own perfect space. I've lived in my flat for two and a half years and I've barely touched it! I'm so scared that I'm going to create more damage than it would be worth to DIY.

I loved painting the flat. It was maximum reward with minimum effort. Going back with a free hand and perfecting it was brilliant as well. It gave the flat a totally whole new lease on life. Tiling my tiny ensuite floor has been an entirely different story! We've had minimal tools, experience and materials. All in the name of spending as little as possible. In fact, GK's boyf did all the labour for me for nothing. It has, however, taken three days and I am now left to finish the grouting myself. Oh dear. Let's hope it doesn't all go horribly wrong here! It took me about two hours to hang a very questionable shower rod today! If anyone sneezes it's going to fall down! Why don't I have anyone in my life that's able to do these things for me? I can do a great manicure, apply the perfectly smoky eye and create an ensemble with just right balance of fashion, park avenue princess and sexy. Why can't I own a power drill and not create world war three with it?

As a gesture of my eternal thanks for all the tiling assistance over the last three days I have been feeding my guests. Today, S requested a fry up. Obviously I was more than happy to oblige. When it came to the crunch and the actual making of the meal, I was practically a nervous breakdown. I've only ever cooked a big breakfast for one person. SoH. In fact, it was our thing. I felt like I was cheating. Even though we're not a couple anymore it felt totally dirty to be creating this sub-standard version of the creations we would make for each other. I'm so looking forward to the day when I'm free from this un-reciprocated tie to the SoH. He's probably proposed to some Brazillian uber-babe by now and given me less than a thought. I find that I have infinitely less impact on other people's lives than they do on mine. I'm like an elephant - I remember forever.

So I'm off to do my pilates session now. I'm dying from a week of no exercise but I've managed to not eat all day, walk to and from Canary Wharf but I still have this sniffle so running is still out. Will I ever have satisfaction? A bee landed at my feet in the wharf today. I took it as a sign that things were on the up. I also found a spider on me yesterday - an amazing sign of good luck. I certainly need all the luck I can get these days!

Kisses,

Floss xxx

Finding A Little Bit More of My Soul

It's funny (not ha ha) how your soul can deplete and disappear little by little without even really noticing it. It's not till it's pretty much eaten away all together and someone or something breathes a little life into you and you realise how much of life and feeling that you've been missing out on.

SoH was a huge catalyst for me. I've been feeling that things aren't right for a long time. My solution till meeting him had been to plan my move back to Sydney. When I met him, obviously all of those plans went out the window. He helped me to put some of my hugely strong walls down. I've never let anyone be so close to who the real me is - not even my close friends, not even me! There were so many parts of myself that I've been ignoring.

Today I helped find a little more of myself again. I had Battersea orientation day with MQ today. I met her at Sloane Square and we walked up to Battersea park and had a walk around some of the streets there that we've been looking at moving to. I'm addicted to that park. I saw five squirrels within a few minutes! It was so good for the soul and for my being in general to have time in that park just wandering, looking at all the cute animals and happy families. Canary Wharf really doesn't have anything like that. I've been defending it for so long that it's actually a great place to live - but I think I was defending it to myself more than anyone.

I might not be able to move house tomorrow or anything, but every day I'm finding a little bit more of who I am. Who I used to be and who I've always wanted to be. I think by the new year there could be a whole new Floss for everyone to get to know! It's scary but cool all at the same time.

xxx

PS: this poor squirrel in the picture requires some therapy immediately! The poor little thing was really trying hard to escape from the tree but between scary dogs and screaming children it kept getting pushed higher and higher up the branches! I'm worried for it's emotional stability. Can someone go by the tree at the cafe and check on the poor little fella? x

Petition for the Extermination of all Unlicensed Onion Rings and Deep Fried Snacks

• Onion Ring must go
• Onion Ring smells like stale wine and gin mixed with eggs.


• My friend, DS, suggested on email last night from Sydney that I could smother her with a pillow. She wouldn't struggle very much seeing as she was so trolleyed.


• I suspect she was drinking even more in her room after she got in last night as she seemed to get drunker as the night wore on.


• She popped her head out of the door to ask me if I was happy to split the phone bill without checking the calls I had made. We discussed it.


• Five minutes later she popped her head out the door to ask me if I was happy to split the phone bill without checking the calls I had made. We discussed it.


• She made dinner-by-phone from her room at some point.


• During the space of twenty minutes (three emails with DS) OR had called Dominoes SIX times to check they had the correct order and where was her dinner?


• "Hello? I've ordered a delivery. I want to make sure it's a garlic pizza, texas barbecue chicken pizza and a portion of onion rings. When will it arrive?"


• On the fifth call I heard them ask her to stop calling!


• I'm pretty sure she broke plates trying to get them out of the cupboard in preparation for her feast. Can't she eat pizza out the box like a normal person?


• At 12.30 proceeded to cough a few times and brought on an "asthma" attack. Stood outside my door for twenty minutes wheezing and beating the door down.


• Non response (thank god for nytol and half a valium) caused a small cough and return to the television set and her little friend, sky.


• 4am. My usual wake up call for some reason these days. (my friend's energetic healer says it means my body is sad) Onion Ring is animatedly on the phone to friends (in Australia?) screaming and laughing like a banshee.

Onion Ring must be taken out "to the farm" and left there... immediately... if not sooner... I'm having sense of humour failure due to exposure to repugnant odours and lack of sleep. Is there a support group for this type of thing?

Someone please help me!!! xxx

Carb Free Chicken Soup

Eeewwwww. I don't feel well. I hate being unwell. I haven't been unwell in over a year. I have a cold and I'm unhappy. My running is at a standstill until I'm feeling better. Without the running I feel that I have the proportions of a hippopotamus. I even caught myself going sideways through a door this morning. Not ideal for my fragile self esteem and body dismorphic syndrome. What makes it worse is that when I'm unwell I crave rubbish food. Comforting food, warm food, lots of food. This is a super bad development in light of my eating ethics. Ethics = eat as little as possible, eat only foods that have negative calories and are carbohydrate free. I have images flying through my snuffled up mind of mashed potato and gravy, chicken and corn soup, a cheese and marmite panini, pizza, hot chips drowned in gravy. These are all foods I would never entertain eating in my regular, every day life.

Unwell wardrobe summary: pink panelled stilettos, black hipster trousers, white man style shirt, red Alannah Hill scarf, black diamante trimmed Dior glasses, silver fendi watch, white gold & diamond 'R' pendant, dinosaur designs silver star ring. Make-up: base, mascara, chantecaille lipstick (mostly worn off by now).

What makes me feel even worse about being unwell is how shabby I look! I'm not fit for public viewing. Ideally I would like to be wrapped up in my lovely duvet in my lovely bed with my 8 pillows propping me up and writing in my journal between naps. Meanwhile, I'm at my desk trying to finish off the Director Promotions Committee notes and figuring out what to eat for lunch without carb and calorie overloading. Oh, the intricate dilemmas of my life!!!

Brokeback Mountain Does The Marines

Wardrobe summary: black faux snake skin stacked round toe pumps, black pencil skirt, black Cavalli knit, grey Anna Sui overcoat, black Alannah Hill scarf. Make-up: Nars Emotional Rescue palette.

I am so sleepy and full. SB, SD and I just hit Nobu in Mayfair. It was so great to catch up with the girlies and have a lovely evening out. I am so dreading getting up early in the morning for a run. However, having just eaten London's supply of sushi I am feeling rather piggish. Hence, that's what I get - very little sleep and some physical pain.

Interesting couple at the table next to us tonight. What is stranger than watching two men with marine box haircuts, checkered shirts over haines t-shirts and lace up leather boots sharing a menu and choosing their dessert together? It's watching two such men with acid wash jeans and waistbands up around their armpits... I fear that by the end of our meal they had somewhat of a complex as SD told us her stories of how she's not in love with Americans in general. SD = v tall, v blonde, v striking, v loud amazonian style beauty. Those poor boys didn't stand a chance. More than anything it was their haircuts and dress sense that was in for the beating. Fair enough. It was appalling. If only it could be appropriate to slip someone your card and whisper for them to give you a call as you slide past their table. I think it would generate completely the wrong idea though. My card does inform the reader of the fact that I am a fashion consultant - but I think this may be lost under the described circumstances. Still, it's something I wish I could do on a daily basis as my eyes are offended by crimes against style all over London.

Goodnight, darlings. I promise to write more when I regain consciousness on the morrow.

xxx