Petition for the Extermination of all Unlicensed Onion Rings and Deep Fried Snacks

• Onion Ring must go
• Onion Ring smells like stale wine and gin mixed with eggs.


• My friend, DS, suggested on email last night from Sydney that I could smother her with a pillow. She wouldn't struggle very much seeing as she was so trolleyed.


• I suspect she was drinking even more in her room after she got in last night as she seemed to get drunker as the night wore on.


• She popped her head out of the door to ask me if I was happy to split the phone bill without checking the calls I had made. We discussed it.


• Five minutes later she popped her head out the door to ask me if I was happy to split the phone bill without checking the calls I had made. We discussed it.


• She made dinner-by-phone from her room at some point.


• During the space of twenty minutes (three emails with DS) OR had called Dominoes SIX times to check they had the correct order and where was her dinner?


• "Hello? I've ordered a delivery. I want to make sure it's a garlic pizza, texas barbecue chicken pizza and a portion of onion rings. When will it arrive?"


• On the fifth call I heard them ask her to stop calling!


• I'm pretty sure she broke plates trying to get them out of the cupboard in preparation for her feast. Can't she eat pizza out the box like a normal person?


• At 12.30 proceeded to cough a few times and brought on an "asthma" attack. Stood outside my door for twenty minutes wheezing and beating the door down.


• Non response (thank god for nytol and half a valium) caused a small cough and return to the television set and her little friend, sky.


• 4am. My usual wake up call for some reason these days. (my friend's energetic healer says it means my body is sad) Onion Ring is animatedly on the phone to friends (in Australia?) screaming and laughing like a banshee.

Onion Ring must be taken out "to the farm" and left there... immediately... if not sooner... I'm having sense of humour failure due to exposure to repugnant odours and lack of sleep. Is there a support group for this type of thing?

Someone please help me!!! xxx